4 years sober.

Today I celebrate 4 years of continuous sobriety. My Coins all say "To Thine Own Self Be True" which I have been carrying that thought throughout the day. I am more myself than I maybe have ever been. I'm not trying to do things to please others if it's not right for me. I'm much more protective of myself and my time. I try not to think too often about the past but I did waste a lot of time and energy doing things other people wanted me to, going out when I really wanted to stay home with my artwork and projects...

Sobriety and Recovery isn't easy. I'd never want to have to go back through my first year again. It started with just one day at a time and I can't believe it's been 4 years already because I could barely make a month whenever I'd try not to drink before. It's gotten easier, I got to regular meetings with people who understand how I feel and where I'm at. I don't worry about having or even wanting a drink now. 

I've had amazing support from the Lansing area AA's, my sponsor and my now-husband. 4 years ago I wouldn't have believed that I'd be completely out of debt, married, and very happy at my day job along with working on my artwork and getting my home projects picked at. 

4 years ago I think I only had one door up on my fence and I hoped it would magically just get done without me putting the effort in. One door at a time, one coat of paint at a time, one bead at a time, 15 minutes of weaving, 1 round of sanding something.  It's small chunks of time that make up a project. I'm almost sad when I'm finished with something because I am so process driven.  My heart isn't in getting it done, it's in the steps along the way. I suppose that's how my life was always meant to be lived instead of feeling like I was under this time constraint of "why isn't this done?" that thought is poison for me.

The level of happiness I experience on a daily basis seemed impossible. Now I think my joy is a bit contagious. I have plenty of customers tell me they didn't think they would be so excited about a door or windows they are ordering. It's so FUN! 

I still have my dark weird sense of humor, I still cry a lot, just when emotional, I usually cry because I'm just so happy (I did NOT keep it together for my wedding vows, I can't believe I got through them). I'm more anxious than ever and like crowds and people less. Unless they're really close friends I tend to need to be mentally prepared to handle crowds/people and I need to have an escape plan. I still can't relax and not be making/doing something with my hands at all times. I'm still me, just shinier. 

Here's to one more day...

Joy: Renewal

It didn't register that Easter was here already until my mom texted me 2 days before. I realized that it's a holiday that I've always blindly followed-suit with and never gave much thought to it other than which fun hat do I get to wear if I'm expected to go to some sort of gathering or to church.

This sent me on a spiral of digging around my thoughts on how I do or do not feel about the holiday, religion, and my own personal journey.  These have been constant questions over the past 3 years for me. My AA meeting Saturday further helped move my pondering to the direction of renewal, rebirth, spring. With that idea it became very clear to me that the Easter Sunday that has meant the most to me ever was 2019, 3 years ago.

You can read the original post from 2019 here: http://jennyschu.blogspot.com/2019/04/river-terrace-installation-hope.html

I had agreed to do the River Terrace Installation. I was still drinking at the time when I decided I could take on this project but maybe only for about a month before I joined AA and stopped drinking for good. I didn't know it then but this installation would become a representation of my own renewal. I was probably going to 5 meetings a week between work and working on this installation piece at the start. Looking back on it, it was probably really good that I had this large commission to focus on. The first year of sobriety it tough. Also, I would have never gotten it done by the Easter deadline without all those meetings.  Easter wasn't the dedicated deadline in the beginning, but at the rate I had been sewing the panels together we decided that it could be unveiled at Easter service.  I went to that service and my Dad joined me,  I cried the entire time.  Everything had more meaning and nowadays I cry harder with tears of joy than I do in sadness. 

I didn't originally think I would name this piece as it was to be a possession of the church's and not my own, but that first year and working on this piece gave me so much hope, so it is titled Hope Flows. It still does flow through me on a regular basis. The turnaround my life has made taking things in small chucks, one day at a time, I had no idea how bright the future would be. It just keeps getting better.

Renewal and rebirth for me is about learning from your past and adjusting or changing so that you don't keep making the same mistakes that led you to the bad spots in the first place. 

Twice last week the story about how we walk down the same street over and over and there's a hole. We keep falling into the hole. Eventually you recognize that you're coming up on the hole but you still fall in. After a while you eventually remember that the hole is coming and you can avoid it altogether. Then later still, you may eventually decide to take another street.

 I read that in my meditation book and one of Bryan's morning meditations started off with that so I overheard it while I was making us breakfast.  When the universe starts telling me something I'd better listen. So this time of year does have meaning, I'm ready to get outside.  I'm excited by the irises, daffodils and peonies that are starting to pop up.  I even split and moved a few plants on the handful of nice days that we have had. The specific day of Easter I worked and, sure, I'll eat candy, follow suit and if I happen to have the day off in the future I'll probably go to River Terrace Church to visit Hope Flows and have a good joyful cry.

3 years sober: Beaded Recovery Ideas

"Hi, my name is Jenny and I'm an alcoholic."  

I say that regularly at meetings and one of these days I'll probably slip up introducing myself at some other lecture with that line. I cannot believe it's been 3 years, because 3 years ago it seemed impossible to even go a day or a week without a drink.  But something had to give, I went to my first AA meeting and realized why it exists and there's a whole bunch of people out there struggling with the same types of things I am. 

I could rattle on and on about how much AA has helped me but I'm going to keep this short and simple...the recovery symbol used for AA is a triangle within a circle. I've wanted to incorporate into my work somehow but all I can think of are what the coins look like so I decided to start there.

This thought first came to me when I noticed a ring someone was wearing at meetings that has the recovery symbol, very simply designed in silver. I really liked the idea of incorporating the symbol into something you can wear daily.  I tried 3 different types of seed beads with this coin design, rocaille 15/0s, delica 15/0s and the regular 11/0 delicas (from left to right in the top photo).

I'm still not sure where these are going.  I decided to keep my beaded pieces simple and start with the form of the coins that we receive each month for the first year, then every year after. I have them floating around my house, a few hanging from my car rearview as daily reminders. When I'm having a rough week, I carry one in my pocket.  My sponsor gave me my third year coin today at the meeting this morning and then her and another very important to my sobriety AA member took me out to breakfast.  It's all connected and we all help each other. <3