Joy: Renewal

It didn't register that Easter was here already until my mom texted me 2 days before. I realized that it's a holiday that I've always blindly followed-suit with and never gave much thought to it other than which fun hat do I get to wear if I'm expected to go to some sort of gathering or to church.

This sent me on a spiral of digging around my thoughts on how I do or do not feel about the holiday, religion, and my own personal journey.  These have been constant questions over the past 3 years for me. My AA meeting Saturday further helped move my pondering to the direction of renewal, rebirth, spring. With that idea it became very clear to me that the Easter Sunday that has meant the most to me ever was 2019, 3 years ago.

You can read the original post from 2019 here: http://jennyschu.blogspot.com/2019/04/river-terrace-installation-hope.html

I had agreed to do the River Terrace Installation. I was still drinking at the time when I decided I could take on this project but maybe only for about a month before I joined AA and stopped drinking for good. I didn't know it then but this installation would become a representation of my own renewal. I was probably going to 5 meetings a week between work and working on this installation piece at the start. Looking back on it, it was probably really good that I had this large commission to focus on. The first year of sobriety it tough. Also, I would have never gotten it done by the Easter deadline without all those meetings.  Easter wasn't the dedicated deadline in the beginning, but at the rate I had been sewing the panels together we decided that it could be unveiled at Easter service.  I went to that service and my Dad joined me,  I cried the entire time.  Everything had more meaning and nowadays I cry harder with tears of joy than I do in sadness. 

I didn't originally think I would name this piece as it was to be a possession of the church's and not my own, but that first year and working on this piece gave me so much hope, so it is titled Hope Flows. It still does flow through me on a regular basis. The turnaround my life has made taking things in small chucks, one day at a time, I had no idea how bright the future would be. It just keeps getting better.

Renewal and rebirth for me is about learning from your past and adjusting or changing so that you don't keep making the same mistakes that led you to the bad spots in the first place. 

Twice last week the story about how we walk down the same street over and over and there's a hole. We keep falling into the hole. Eventually you recognize that you're coming up on the hole but you still fall in. After a while you eventually remember that the hole is coming and you can avoid it altogether. Then later still, you may eventually decide to take another street.

 I read that in my meditation book and one of Bryan's morning meditations started off with that so I overheard it while I was making us breakfast.  When the universe starts telling me something I'd better listen. So this time of year does have meaning, I'm ready to get outside.  I'm excited by the irises, daffodils and peonies that are starting to pop up.  I even split and moved a few plants on the handful of nice days that we have had. The specific day of Easter I worked and, sure, I'll eat candy, follow suit and if I happen to have the day off in the future I'll probably go to River Terrace Church to visit Hope Flows and have a good joyful cry.

Joy: Earth

I was listening to an AA speaker on YouTube a while back, I can't remember who it was, I was on an AA speaker-loop in my studio but the key thing I took from her talk was that we are all connected to the Earth and when we're feeling like things are off we need to feel the Earth. Physically touch it. Dig into it, bare hands or feet walking over grass or sinking your fingers into dirt. For me this usually consists of weeding or working in the back yard but this week I was thinking about the joy of our compost pile.

Whenever I need really good dirt I get into the bottom of my compost pile. The smell of nutrient-rich dirt, the deep warmth and movement of worms over the falling pile give me such a deep sense of gratification. Simply making "good" dirt feels good, it feels like connection. I ever knew such a simple thing, throwing my compostable waste on to a pile and flipping it on occasion would be a good simple feeling. I have a lot of gratitude for the simple pleasure these days.

I filled the tops of my big planters with the compost pile dirt this week and planted my favorite annual this morning before the rain: pansies.

I need to split my allium this year after they bloom; they're really starting to spread.  I started splitting up and moving some of my irises and hostas this morning also.  I love working in the dirt when it's warm, wet and a little overcast. 

The crocus are doing better than I recall them doing in the past. Last year I started just doing a little bit of moving and weeding every day and it's really showing this year. I'm getting some of the vining weeds under control and everything is really happy under the mulching leaves.

It's the time of the spring when the green is this brilliant hopeful color. Everything smells fresh and new and ready to burst with energy. I'm feeling the same way.

Joy: Spring Yard Work

Spring is around the corner and I, like lots of other people, looks forward to changing seasons. I didn't get the amount of skiing in this winter that I'd have liked to but there are reasons for that and there's always next year. 

I'm on to getting back to putzing outside.  Now that I have a nearly-completely-dry garage I'm set up in there painting a little bit every day to get the trim for the finishing of the roof done.  I also had a few huge tree branches come down this winter and I have them in a pile by my fire "pit" which is more like a chimney in the middle of my back yard.  While I'm outside I had a small fire going to burn down my heavy yard waste to then get it moved to my compost pile.  

I got another door up on my door-fence which I had also been picking away at painting on the days I wanted to be outside.  

I love burning stuff.  Whenever I poke around and see what other properties aare for sale that might be a good fit for us, I look for a big yard but I also want a fire pit. I've bagged and put out my yard waste in the past and it's such a pain. Plus, the city doesn't always get it in time; my neighbor across the street has had his sitting out all winter.  I also like that the askes help grow my compost as I use it for a lot for gardening.

I have 1/3 of an acre and I love it.  My gardens have been coming along slowly with time and patience and splitting and moving plants. The door fence is turning out really cool and I'm learning about what doors will work for it and what needs to be replaced as I go along. I put in my earbuds and spend a couple of hours out there picking up, cleaning up and getting my hands dirty.

There was an AA talk that I listened to quite a while back and the speaker talked about how we are part of the Earth and we should feel the Earth with our bare hands or feet on a regular basis. I hadn't really thought about it like that before, but I definitely need that.  When I'm feeling squirrely, I go dig around outside. 

Joy: A Week Off

Last week I didn't do a "Joy" post; I had the week off of work and was taking a "Staycation" since I had to use my vacation days up before I lost them.  I didn't feel Joy.  It happens. The lack of a schedule was a struggle for me, I get overwhelmed easily with all of the stuff I "should" be doing or getting done.  I set my goals of what I "should" get done much too high and can forget to enjoy myself. Monday I cried a lot. I had kept myself busy Saturday and Sunday. I think I've just been avoiding emotions that I needed to deal with and this was the week and time I had to do it. I journaled a lot, got on the elliptical, went to meetings had deep conversations with Bryan. 

Somewhat recently I heard at a meeting "Don't Should all over yourself." So I tried to carry that through the week and I did end up enjoying myself.

I got into the groove of having the time off the last 2 or 3 days. So those were really productive, looking back on the week I did get a whole lot done but I also relaxed.  Naps are the best and they're even better with my snuggle-buddy, Clark, who curls up with me on the couch and purrs under the blanket the whole nap.

I'm glad I had the week off to start painting the trim for the garage, start working together on wedding plans; we went to Cranbrook Art Museum to see Olga de Amaral's show To Weave a Rock.  Ultimately the three days off I had with Bryan were the best days.  With how busy things get and our work schedules don't quite line up I often forget how we can see each other in passing but not really have those deeper conversations or get to touch base. It was a good week but I have to say, I'm glad to be back to work today!

Joy: Sorting Buttons

Doodle over the past couple days between customers at work....

I get a deep sense of gratification (which definitely provides joy) when I reorganize and sort bits of my studio stash.  I did a significant amount of cleaning and moving around shelves and the warp winder in my studio a few weeks back and managed to find more jars and tins of buttons than I realized I have. 

A stack of tins on the ground (I believe these were my Grandma Helen's, possibly also Grandma Marge's), jars from working retail (ending up with buttons in my pockets when I got home), boxes and things from who the heck knows. 

Since cleaning, these disorganized buttons have been on my mind as something I can get into "when I have time."  Not that I have excess time, but I hit a point in my weaving where I need to dye some more weft so I wound some skeins and started the soaking process.  I still needed to be in the studio so the button sorting took over the sewing table.

Dye Bucket

Collecting things is a bit of a problem for me, I don't need or want more stuff, but....there's always that but... what if it's perfect for a future project or to match another button on something I'm mending? Really it's no matter, I enjoy the sorting process. Touching each button reminds me sometimes of where I was when I got that button (either in life or travels) or, more importantly, what I do have in my stash. I get to oooh and aaah over things I already have and had forgotten about. It's like when I swap or organize anything in the house "I forgot I had one of those" or "That would be really pretty for project [fill in the blank]" and, my favorite, "That's where that went!"

These old tins. They make me wonder how many decades old they are. The above particularly old rusted tin has dirt on and in it from the ages.  I'm finding some cool old logo buttons ("Lee" "Finck Detroit" "Van Wert Excelcior"), a Chicago Police one that's dented, crumbling ones that I have to pitch, a tiny doll leg, metal pieces, snaps, bullet casings. This sort of box is a treasure trove for my practice of mindfulness and consideration of each piece picked through. Save or keep? Sort elsewhere? How old is this? I wonder what that went to?

I've enjoyed the week of thinking about this blog post and it seeping into my doodling. I always want to draw more, but I'm never sure what to draw.  Posting about the joy of day to day things seems to be giving me drawing direction too. Weekly art practices have really lifted me up so far this year, I highly suggest it.

Joy: Quiet

The cats are fed; I sit at my loom, the heddles tinkling together, crunching of paper, roll of the spools on my shuttles, the quiet of winter outside....

I used to listen to music all of the time, maybe it was to distract my brain so it would stop spinning out and just focus on what I wanted to work on. I don't need to do that now, I'm focused and in love with my life and my studio space. Sometimes music helps motivate me, but when I'm already motivated, particularly in the mornings, I enjoy the quiet. 

Since it's Valentine's Day I feel compelled to bring up how wonderful my fiancé is, he allows me to have my space and my quiet when needed. I've always struggled with living with others, I just wanted to be left alone. After I got divorced I figured I was just unable to live with another human ever again, and then I met Bryan. He moved in after 9 months of dating and is fine that our schedules don't line up and probably glad that he also has his alone time. His presence is not demanding, but gentle, kind and quiet. 

I have so much going on in my head (that is rarely quiet), so many projects, to-do lists, dreams and what-if's. Bryan doesn't get angry when I don't hear a thing he said because he can usually tell when I'm off somewhere else.  He silently watches me bead and stitch next to him on the couch in the evenings and clearly notices what I'm doing and the various choices I make as I'm creating.  My artwork flourishes and he provides educated critiques when I'm stuck on color or design. I have to say that having a partner that understands how necessary the peace and quiet is to me is of the utmost importance. 

I also remove myself from social media and will often leave my phone outside of the studio when I am working.  Even though I have it on silent, the compulsion to pick it up and look at notifications is difficult for me to manage. Texts, emails, social media is all noise that can take over my need for quiet. My days off and free time go better, happier when I remove myself from my phone. 

I have found that having the evening shift for my department at work gives me my mornings that I need for creativity to flourish in my quiet time. Quiet=Peace

Joy: Glitter

In high school I had a "Happy List" that was on a sheet of dark pink lined Lisa Frank paper that I kept in my wallet. I knew at a pretty young age that I wasn't as happy as other people and some days were a struggle to get out of my sadness so I would pull out my happy list and look over or add to it.

Glitter was the first thing on that list. I can't remember a whole lot of the other things but man do I love glitter to this day, particularly glittery sparkly things. I can avoid to loose stuff people use in craft projects (sometimes) but not when it comes to beads, yarn and some clothing/accessories.

Glitter yarn is much more common these days but when I was younger, I'd scoop up everything I ran into to add to my stash. Many of my Theo Moorman inlay weavings have some sort of glittery yarn in them. I also like to add it to tapestry when I play with that weaving style.

Beads are a glitter-given. I needed more faceted extra-sparkly seed beads in my life at the end of last year and I made a fairly large bead purchase from Fire Mountain Gems and Northland Visions in November and December. I don't need any more beads but adding to the sparkle-stash is necessary to get excited about new projects sometimes.

My new Dark Pink Glittery Converse!! I'd been pining over these Custom Converse for a while and when we decided we were going to the We Are the Union NYE show (which never happened, thanks COVID), we decided to put outfits together to dress up for the show and these shoes were ideal. I'm not that big into pink but this particular shade was nice and robust, like I like in my colors. I ended up not putting the time in to making a skirt so I pulled out the silver sequin pencil skirt from my collection. I like to go with all things glittery on New Years. 

I could go on and on about the joys of glitter, but these weekly Joy posts I want to keep short.  Finding joy is so easy lately, it's everywhere if you're open to it. 

Joy: Skiing

I was sitting in my counselor's office a number of years ago, probably sobbing over how miserable I was and she asked me what I missed doing that I wasn't making time to do anymore. My immediate response was skiing and ska concerts. So I recommited to both of those things and it was definitely the beginning of  many lifestyle changes. The first steps towards taking better care of my mental health and happiness. 

I don't get out skiing as much as I like because of other commitments but I told myself that I could go skiing today if I got "Leaf Me Alone" finished, photographed, and submitted to the exhibit I hope it gets juried in to. I took a personal day on Saturday and worked until it was done. Today was my "oh shit it's not done" day which turned into my "Yay! I get to ski day!"  I prefer weekday mornings where there aren't that many people and no lift lines so I get more laps in than on busy days. 

I've been skiing since about 3 years old and it does make me feel young again. Mt. Holly is where I grew up skiing weekly and racing in High School. I have so many good memories of skiing with my friends and team members, singing the entire Rent soundtrack off of the chairlift with Jess and learning to ski fast by chasing boys. I turn 40 next month but I still feel fast, my leg muscles flex in ways that I don't use them otherwise and I can feel an energy in my entire body that I don't experince at any other time in my life. 

I still can't believe there was a time in my life where I didn't get out skiing.  It's such an important part of my winters and I'm thankful for every run because it brings me so much joy!

 

Joy: Birdfeeder in Winter

I was just interviewed last week for Textiles & Tea with the Handweaver's Guild of America. I never want to overthink any questions so I usually work off the cuff, but I felt that I didn't have a great response to "What Brings You Joy?"  My answer is (and was on the interview) everything. I have so much joy in my life right now and I'm inspired by everything around me. 

I thought that maybe I should start a regular blog post on joy. Just picking one thing or thought that's been whirling around in my head for the week. Joy is one of the emotions I hope translates into some of my work. Looking at the breadth of my work I usually dump anything that I'm attracted to into my beadwork.

So this week it's the bird feeder outside of our Livingroom window.  We refer to it as "Clark TV" because we keep it full for entertainment for the cats and Clark loves it the most. Often times I find myself watching the birds flit about on the feeder too. There's a peacefulness seeing our pair of cardinals, I particularly love their reds/oranges popping out of the branches of the burning bush they hang out in next to the feeder. 

Along with the cardinals is a slew of chickadees this winter, which have been my favorite, we also have the usual sparrows and house finches.  I get excited when we see a nuthatch or black-eyed junco too, but they are not frequent fliers to our yard.

Next to the feeder is a giant burning bush.  I love how snow falls over it's branches, creating twisting lines and giving you an interesting view of the birds that that take turns going from the bush to the feeder. I actually worked with the imagery of snow draped over branches in a doubleweave during my studies at the University of Michigan. I called that weaving Snowfall.

I hope to get back to the beaded bird feather bangles.  I have made a peacock feather (in green) a phoenix feather (like the peacock but in red/purple) and a goldfinch feather. I don't have any bird-themed larger work but bird designs do play will within the structure of my bangles.

Birds, branches with snow weighing heavy on them; these are some of the things that give me joy and peace in my day to day. I even laugh at the squirrel that has figured out how to hang upside down from the edge of the top of the feeder and dispense sunflower seed for himself.

I hope everyone can find little joys in their days and weeks.