6 years sober; I Can Still Tap the Well

 

“But I have come to believe that you can escape your demons and still tap the well.”                                                                                    -David Byrne in "How Music Works"

I celebrate 6 years sober today. The improvements in my life keep coming year by year.  I've become a regular audiobook listener. I alternate between self-help/learning and just entertaining. Currently I'm finishing David Byrne's "How Music Works." I've been scribbling down a lot of inspiring quotes from this book but the above one really struck me. 

I had finally found my artistic voice by dumping my emotions into my work, consciously or unconsciously, I had a stride. And then I got sober. I have been weeding out the drama in my life making for less extreme emotional responses. I worried that without drinking I may not be as "inspired" or be able to respond to the world with my artwork the same way. 

It's the exact opposite. I have just as many emotions, I'm just handling them differently and I'm much more self-aware. It still gets dumped into my artwork and I'm far more productive to boot. I'm still "tapping the well" and that has actually shown this year with 2 of my pieces, one I finished and the other is on my loom. "Playing with Fire" started with a sketch of matches I had drawn when I was going through my divorce. I recall sitting at the bar and doodling. I liked this particular doodle of matches. I had scanned it into my computer files so I could easily track it down later, instead of digging through pages of sketchbooks. I found it and used it one of the sample warps for "Yes, And" and it turned out to be a nice little finished piece. I may revisit these matches in a larger work later. The divorce is coming up on it's 10 year anniversary and some similar themes in other personal relationships are arising so I tapped that old well. Luckily it's nothing I have to pour a drink over anymore, I just set sturdier boundaries. 

The current weaving I'm working on also comes from that era of divorce drama. What was real and not real was really spinning out of control, how things were perceived from various parties had completely different stories and recollections. I had never been sure how to tackle the design for this piece because I didn't want to hand draw it, I wanted to play with various fonts like I usually do, but I didn't have the computer skills to do so. Well, when I started working on "Yes, And" it was requested by the church's art board that the words have more movement than my usual designs. So I taught myself what I needed on Inkscape, a vector based program, and was able to move the words for "Yes, And" and then was able to manipulate words for this new weaving. I needed a real, paying, reason to learn that program, and the Universe handed it to me.

This year has been ups and downs but as I'm looking back on it today, mostly ups. This year so far we have taken 2 trips out of state to see concerts (Madness in Seattle and Riot Fest in Chicago), I took a solo trip to see a reunion concert (I Voted for Kodos!) and I also taught again at the Handweavers Guild of America Convergence Conference in Wichita ....so that's 2 trips flying, 1 train and one road trip. I still love my day job, I have a support system in place like I've never experienced before, I have an amazing, kind, understanding huband/partner in a relationship that keeps getting better as we grow together (rather than how they always used to get worse the longer I was stuck with someone). Life is so good, here's to 6 years and one more day....one day at a time.

5 Years Sober; One Day at a Time

I celebrate 5 years of sobriety today. I had a really good meeting this morning. I've knit 31 pairs of socks among countless other projects to keep my hands busy during meetings. Now, whenever I "accidentally" buy expensive fancy sock yarn I can confidently tell myself that it's a LOT cheaper than drinking. 

5 years ago I was a mess and I didn't see life ever getting better, I was just trying to get by...and doing it very poorly. I recently reconnected with a friend and found myself saying out loud to her "I didn't ever know that it was possible to be this happy."

Of course, something came up yesterday and it reminds me that I still have a lot of work to do to be better than I was. When I hurt others deeply I also hurt myself. I still hold on to too much anger and resentment in some areas of life. And I'm so tired of hurting and being uncomfortable and anxious. On the other hand the general day-to-day stuff in life has gotten so much easier.

So here's to 5 years sober and making it one. more. day. 

A side note on the bandana in the above photos of my very pretty 5 year coin:

This bandana is the first thing I ever recall winning, I was probably about 6. I've mentioned here and there that we showed horses growing up and I don't recall having an affinity for ribbons or trophies but this piece of fabric always reminds me that I was into a nice cotton fabric even at a young age. I'll always be thankful for the grounding nature fabric and the process of making fabric has always had for me. It's a simple thing but I find nice bandanas so useful. Today I'm wearing it as a neckerchief since it's getting chilly at work but not cold enough for a thermal neck gaiter. 

To thine own self be true.

4 years sober.

Today I celebrate 4 years of continuous sobriety. My Coins all say "To Thine Own Self Be True" which I have been carrying that thought throughout the day. I am more myself than I maybe have ever been. I'm not trying to do things to please others if it's not right for me. I'm much more protective of myself and my time. I try not to think too often about the past but I did waste a lot of time and energy doing things other people wanted me to, going out when I really wanted to stay home with my artwork and projects...

Sobriety and Recovery isn't easy. I'd never want to have to go back through my first year again. It started with just one day at a time and I can't believe it's been 4 years already because I could barely make a month whenever I'd try not to drink before. It's gotten easier, I got to regular meetings with people who understand how I feel and where I'm at. I don't worry about having or even wanting a drink now. 

I've had amazing support from the Lansing area AA's, my sponsor and my now-husband. 4 years ago I wouldn't have believed that I'd be completely out of debt, married, and very happy at my day job along with working on my artwork and getting my home projects picked at. 

4 years ago I think I only had one door up on my fence and I hoped it would magically just get done without me putting the effort in. One door at a time, one coat of paint at a time, one bead at a time, 15 minutes of weaving, 1 round of sanding something.  It's small chunks of time that make up a project. I'm almost sad when I'm finished with something because I am so process driven.  My heart isn't in getting it done, it's in the steps along the way. I suppose that's how my life was always meant to be lived instead of feeling like I was under this time constraint of "why isn't this done?" that thought is poison for me.

The level of happiness I experience on a daily basis seemed impossible. Now I think my joy is a bit contagious. I have plenty of customers tell me they didn't think they would be so excited about a door or windows they are ordering. It's so FUN! 

I still have my dark weird sense of humor, I still cry a lot, just when emotional, I usually cry because I'm just so happy (I did NOT keep it together for my wedding vows, I can't believe I got through them). I'm more anxious than ever and like crowds and people less. Unless they're really close friends I tend to need to be mentally prepared to handle crowds/people and I need to have an escape plan. I still can't relax and not be making/doing something with my hands at all times. I'm still me, just shinier. 

Here's to one more day...