8 Years Sober

8 years sober. Once I got the hang of not drinking and going to meetings it gots easier and suddenly, it's 8 years and I rarely think about drinking or even be worried about drinking. I still struggle with other self-soothing things like food and shopping, but those things don't make my life unmanageable (or make me intolerable to be around) and I'm better at being in control of them when necessary.

Sitting in my AA meeting this morning, the topic was the 4th step but I was thinking about "The Promises" which is a paragraph in the AA Big Book that's been broken down to a list form for purposes of meetings and practice: 

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. 

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. 

We will comprehend the word serenity 

We will know peace. 

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. 

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. 

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. 

Self-seeking will slip away. 

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. 

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. 

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. 

We will suddenly realize that the Universe is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I took some liberties with one of the wordings because, well...this is my blog...and I don't like having religion mixed in with my spirituality. The main thing for me, today, is that in a mere 8 years, all of these things have happened in my life. Despite job loss and change, getting out of and taking on debt, some weeks, months, feeling like we're just working and sleeping and sometimes, due to working, I don't always get to see my husband for a day or two or three. Life has changed a lot, but every day I wake up and feel like life is good and manageable. That's a huge change from spending a lot of my life wishing I hadn't woken up at all. 

I no longer stress about not getting enough work done. The work is never done, there is always more, and I won't ever get to all of it. Artwork, Yardwork, Housework, Work-work, Self-work. I try to take on what I can handle and no more. I am diligent about giving myself at least one day every week or two with nothing planned so I can do what I feel like rather than what I think I have to do. 

Major changes for me this year? I haven't knit as many socks. I've graduated to tops/sweaters. I've knit 4 socks so far this year (totaling 48 pairs in the 8 years of sobriety), 4 hats, 3 sweaters (posts to come on the latest 2) and started my 4th (and most complicated) and one guitar cuff. 

I've given up trying to lose weight and am rediscovering my style and thrifting online for this current body. I no longer have anyone in my life commenting or giving me shit about my weight. I'm still working on getting rid of [my mom's] voice in my head commenting on my weight and what I'm eating, not speaking to her and getting back to a therapist has helped leaps and bounds with that. I'm working a lot, I'm tired, I'm happy and I can afford to have some frozen meals like pizza and chicken nuggets for when I get home from a long day.

Baking. I always thought I sucked at baking, mainly because I could not follow directions, my mind always wandering, and I'd always forget or mismeasure something. My mind is more at peace and wanders less. If I have to follow a recipe I cannot have anyone else around me. I'm finding a peaceful meditative quality to learning baking. I started making French bread every 2 weeks instead of buying bread to have on hand. I even made blueberry muffins, twice, and was like...huh, that was easier than I remembered any past attempt being. I know I also fought baking and cooking in the same way I fought liking the color pink. It represented being "girly" and "homemaking"...don't expect me to ever be in the kitchen making you or a family dinner was always my attitude, I felt it would keep me from the prison so many woman have found themselves in throughout history. I still despise grocery shopping and I doubt I'll ever have the desire to meal plan...however, I have learned to never say never (re: 48 hand knit socks later).

This year I learned all about Home Equity Lines of Credit, what my foundation looks like from it's outside, being sidetracked (again) by larger projects before I can get to ones that I meant to get to last summer (ie: cleaning out the garage and tearing down the falling-in murder-shed). I also learned that it's not necessarily up to me how many cats we end up with after taking in a newborn and keeping the little stinker alive. We're up to 4. All of them provided to us by the Universal Cat Distribution System in cahoots with the city of Lansing. I'm getting really good at just rolling with it. 

And lastly, I have had such joy and relief from the outcome of yesterday's election. Texas went BLUE as did Ohio. And Michigan mostly voted all Dems. There's a tidal wave across the country of women, non-christians practicing other religions, people of color, LGBQT+ including Trans persons (despite the horrors they have been experiencing these past years) being elected into office. It feels like people are waking up and voting for kindness and taking care of one another and that this country might survive the downward spiral its been in. I have HOPE for politics in a way I haven't had...ever? Maybe with Obama? Back then I was much more careless and probably in a checked-out haze. I never cared for politics, but I know now that voting and leadership is important...I literally never knew it could get THIS bad. 

I'm thankful for the past 8 years sober, my husband and I are coming up on 10 years together and he was the first reason I got sober (and no, he did not ask me to, but he's very long fuse had burned out with my behavior)...it took about 6 months for me to start getting sober for me. Thankfully, it only took one day at a time.