4 years sober.

Today I celebrate 4 years of continuous sobriety. My Coins all say "To Thine Own Self Be True" which I have been carrying that thought throughout the day. I am more myself than I maybe have ever been. I'm not trying to do things to please others if it's not right for me. I'm much more protective of myself and my time. I try not to think too often about the past but I did waste a lot of time and energy doing things other people wanted me to, going out when I really wanted to stay home with my artwork and projects...

Sobriety and Recovery isn't easy. I'd never want to have to go back through my first year again. It started with just one day at a time and I can't believe it's been 4 years already because I could barely make a month whenever I'd try not to drink before. It's gotten easier, I got to regular meetings with people who understand how I feel and where I'm at. I don't worry about having or even wanting a drink now. 

I've had amazing support from the Lansing area AA's, my sponsor and my now-husband. 4 years ago I wouldn't have believed that I'd be completely out of debt, married, and very happy at my day job along with working on my artwork and getting my home projects picked at. 

4 years ago I think I only had one door up on my fence and I hoped it would magically just get done without me putting the effort in. One door at a time, one coat of paint at a time, one bead at a time, 15 minutes of weaving, 1 round of sanding something.  It's small chunks of time that make up a project. I'm almost sad when I'm finished with something because I am so process driven.  My heart isn't in getting it done, it's in the steps along the way. I suppose that's how my life was always meant to be lived instead of feeling like I was under this time constraint of "why isn't this done?" that thought is poison for me.

The level of happiness I experience on a daily basis seemed impossible. Now I think my joy is a bit contagious. I have plenty of customers tell me they didn't think they would be so excited about a door or windows they are ordering. It's so FUN! 

I still have my dark weird sense of humor, I still cry a lot, just when emotional, I usually cry because I'm just so happy (I did NOT keep it together for my wedding vows, I can't believe I got through them). I'm more anxious than ever and like crowds and people less. Unless they're really close friends I tend to need to be mentally prepared to handle crowds/people and I need to have an escape plan. I still can't relax and not be making/doing something with my hands at all times. I'm still me, just shinier. 

Here's to one more day...